...as far as sleeping is concerned. For 3 nights he has nearly slept through the night. This is incredibly exciting for all in the Julian household. The crying seems to get less each night. His naps are even better during the day than they used to be and I attribute this to his good nighttime sleep.
Most of you reading this probably began this journey with us. I thought today I would share a little of my personal journey and tell you a little about what is on my heart. For 5 months I have not been myself and I'm glad that John loves me like he does because I'm sure I haven't been easy to live with. Last week I talked to a good, christian dr. who does not know me and does not know about Max and I told him our whole story, from my perfect pregnancy up until today. He asked me something that I had never thought about - he asked me if I thought I had grieved over the loss of an expectation. I told him I had cried but that usually when I do that it is over worry or frustration and when Max was in the hospital we cried because we thought our world had just fallen apart. He said it would be very normal and good for me to actually grieve. We had many expectations before Max was born. We expected to come home with our new baby in 1 to 2 days, we expected him to be healthy, we expected life to go on (of course with some changes) as it had before but even better, we expected the days following his birth to be pure bliss, we expected to not have to worry about his future developmentally, cognitively, and over-all health-wise any more than normal, etc. We lost all of those things. I think last night was the first time I actually grieved and the first time I was able to really tell John how I felt about everything that happened. Every night for the past 5 months I lay in bed and replay those first few days over and over in my mind. Watching Max turn blue the night he stopped breathing, watching my new baby lay there and have seizures in the nursery, handing him over to the flight nurse for his helicopter ride, seeing him lay in a bed covered with wires, iv's and tubes in a neonatal intensive care unit, sitting on our bed listening as Dr. Nestrude told us that there was very little possiblity that Max would be fine, the roller coaster of emotions that we went through for nearly a month in the hospital. The fact that for 38 1/2 weeks my baby had never been separated from me - I felt his kicks, his hiccups, he foot sticking in my ribs. And all of a sudden I was without my baby. I couldn't hold him all the time, there were days I couldn't even touch him, and at night I had to leave him. The shock, the pain, and the hurt still feel real today. Of course, along with the loss of what we expected, we gained things that far exceeded our expectations. I never in a million years would have dreamed that it was possible to love another human being in the way you love your child.
You may be thinking, "she should be happy, Max is doing good." Yes. I do have a lot to be happy about. We are blessed far beyond what we deserve. God answered many, many prayers the way that we hoped that he would. We have Max with us, unlike Parker's parents who lost him a month ago. God willing, Max will not require any more surgerys, unlike Gavin who had surgery on his heart on Monday. God willing, Max will not experience more seizures, unlike Harper who had a very, very scary episode last night. Why God chose to make Max progress as he has I may never know. And I am thankful and I praise Him. But it was good to grieve last night. I don't know if it's the last time I'll feel this way or not, but I am thankful to the dr. who told me that it was okay.
**After I originally posted this I checked my email and had a message about another baby who needs prayers. I will paste a portion of the email and add his link to the right so that you can check for updates.**
After a routine visit to the doctor's office for Ethan's eight week checkup, they found a lump and sent us to the hospital. After numberous tests, they have confirmed that Ethan has Leukemia. From all that we know, this is an extremely rare diagnosis considering that he has between a 1,000,00 and 1,500,000 white blood cell count, and he just passed with 2 month birthday. Please visit http://www.ethanpowell.com for the full details. If you would like to send a word of encouragement or prayers, please do so at prayersforethan@yahoo.com. We place our son's health in God's hands and ask for your prayers.
